The Lightning-Struck Heart by T.J. Klune

BOOK: The Lightning-Struck Heart

AUTHOR: T.J. Klune

TYPE: Tales from Verania #1

GENRE: MM Fantasy Romance

POV: First Person - Sam

PAGE COUNT: 451 (Kindle Edition)

PUBLICATION DATE: July 20, 2015

DATE READ: Nov 17, 2020

*(Subject to change)*

4.45

Sam Haversford - 20,

Ryan Foxheart - 25.

Don't drink at all while reading this book. I'm serious. I DIED LAUGHING. This is the funniest shit I've ever read in my life. I had tears, literal tears, rolling down my face. And don't even ask about my family. They probably thought I should be institutionalized. All credit goes to Todd (Rainbow Warrior) for recommending this one. If I kick the bucket reading the next one, he should be held responsible.

Once upon a time, in an alleyway in the slums of the City of Lockes, a young and somewhat lonely boy named Sam Haversford turns a group of teenage douchebags into stone completely by accident.

Of course, this catches the attention of a higher power, and Sam's pulled from the only world he knows to become an apprentice to the king's wizard, Morgan of Shadows.

When Sam's 14, he enters the Dark Woods and returns with Gary, the hornless gay unicorn, and a half-giant named Tiggy, earning the moniker Sam of Wilds.

At 15, Sam learns what love truly is when a new knight arrives at the castle - Knight Ryan Foxheart, the dreamiest dream to have ever been dreamed.

Naturally, it all goes to hell when Ryan dates the reprehensible Prince Justin, Sam can't control his magic, a sexually aggressive dragon kidnaps the prince, and the king sends them on an epic quest to save Ryan's boyfriend, all while Sam falls more in love with someone he can never have.

Or, so he thinks.

My God, this book. It was amazing and adorable and made me fall in love with all the characters. Oh how I loved this romantic fantasy with all its uniqueness and epic world-building. It was HILARIOUS AS HELL. Which doesn't make sense because hell shouldn't be hilarious. I know some of the content is contrived and silly, but simply because Klune catches a perfect stride in his narration does he manage to keep the reader entertained and doubling over in laughter. I want to kick myself in the butt for not putting T.J. Klune on my list of authors to watch out for sooner. The writing was great and I definitely have a new fave author. I didn’t know anything about The Lightning-Struck Heart prior to reading. I only knew it was funny and had RAVE reviews. This book has everything. Straight up hilarious banter that had me shaking with laughter, a great story line that rocks, the wildest of Sams that had ever samned, a snarky gay hornless unicorn best friend, a freakin awesome half giant with his love for smashing (kinda reminded me of Hulk) and a 'dashing and immaculate knight' who poses.

I wish I could find that one person made for me so that way I can show them why I was made for them.

There were so many lines from this book I want to quote that I'd probably run out of characters if I did. This is not a book for the prudes of the world or for the ones that get offended by profanities and countless references to genitalia from a unicorn and a dragon. Although this story is pretty potty-mouthed with lots of "grown-up" language thrown about, it's also incredibly sweet and almost reads like a fairytale. This was really a good change in between reading all the dark romances. The highlight of this book, for me, were some of the secondary characters, especially Gary, Tiggy, Kevin and even Justin. I kinda wish that Justin, Sam and Ryan would have an epic threesome and live happily ever after three-way. The chapters' names were something else. Here are some;

➽ Ducks, Blueberries, and Accidental Almost Hand Jobs

➽ Turning Noses into Dicks and Other Stories

➽ Six-Inch-Tall Angry Naked Men with Wings

➽ I've Got Wood and I'm Ready to Masticate.

This book has a very specific sense of humor, so you'll either love it, or it just won't be for you. Me? I frickin loved it. I'd recommend this book to anyone who loves MM romance and laughing until you almost pee yourself.

The Lightning-Struck Heart was exactly what I needed to relax, let my hair down and laugh my ass off.

Brace yourself. I've probably highlighted the whole damn book.

• "Do god stuff," I muttered, elbowing Kevin (the dragon)." Be all godly."
  Kevin took a step forward, his claws digging into the earth. The crowd in front of us said, "Ooooh."
  When he spoke, his voice was deep and rumbly. He sounded ridiculous. "You approacheth my keepeth, mere mortals. What sayeth you for spaketh to me? Eth."
  "Oh my gods," I said. "Dude. Come on. You had one job."

• Since I didn't know what I was doing at all and figured I might as well try and fake it as much as possible, I raised my hands, palms out toward the stone teenagers, and shouted, "Malakasham!"
  Morgan said, "What."
  "Flora Bora Slam!"
  Morgan said, "Flora Bora Slam?" It sounded like he was choking.
  "Abra Wham!"
  Morgan said, "What are you doing?"
  I squinted up at him. "Saying magic words until magic happens?"
  "Magic words?"
  "Isn't that how magic happens? You say magic words and magic stuff happens. Like people turning to stone and exploding nipples."
  "I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be because of Flora Bora Slam," he said dryly.
  "Pfft," I muttered. "Like YOU know." Oh, but wait. He was the King's Wizard. "Okay, so, you would know."
  "Flora Bora Slam," he said again, rolling his eyes.
  "Well, I'm all out of ideas."
  He looked incredulous. "THAT was your idea?"
  "Yes. It might have gone better in my head."
  "I have a feeling that sums up your life perfectly."
  Since I was too young to understand I was being insulted, I beamed and said, "Thank you!"

• “Gary, why Sam sweating?”
  “Well you see, my dear Tiggy. When a boy loves another boy very much, it makes him awkward and have feelings in his penis and mmmphh!”
  “Sam, why you use magic and glue Gary’s mouth shut?”
  “Is that what that was? Gosh! I just thought I was singing to myself!”
  “MMMMPH!”

• “Your magic gets me hard,” he said, looking like he wished he could be anywhere but where he was. “When you do anything, I get hard, really. Even your ridiculous sex puns. You remember when you wrapped those Dark wizards in stone at the restaurant?”
  “Yeah,” I managed to say.
  “I wanted to tell you that you gave me an e-rock-tion.” He bent over and banged his forehead against the table. “Why, why, why did I say that out loud? Please. Someone. Anyone. Kill me.”
  “Sex puns,” I breathed. “Knight Delicious Face said a sex pun.”

• “Do some magic,” Ryan whispered to me, right in my ear. “Slowly. So I can watch.”
  “When we get out of here, I’m going to do so much magic all over you,” I told him. “You’re going to be covered in it.”
  At that moment, I really wished I’d been born mute and had never set eyes on Ryan Foxheart.
  “Make it stop!” Gary wailed.
  “Yeah. Cover me in your magic.” Ryan was blushing so hard, I thought his face was about to explode. “I want to stop talking. You have no idea how much I want to stop talking.” He leaned closer and I could feel his breath on my face. It smelled of corn and eroticism.
  “Um,” Eloise said. “Maybe you guys could—” We ignored her completely.
  “I’m going to do so many spells,” I said, because it seemed impossible for me to stop. “You won’t even believe how many spells I can do. Flora Bora Slam, motherfucker.” Our lips were inches apart.
  “I want you to Flora Bora Slam me,” Ryan said and I just choked.
  “Therapy,” Gary said. “I’m going to need so much therapy. It’s like watching cows mating and it’s wet and sticky and uncomfortable but I can’t look away because I’m worried some of it is going to get on me.”

• “Gary,” the dragon whispered in awe, the name on his lips sounding almost like benediction.
  “Have two syllables ever sounded more beautiful together? Geh. Ree. The gods must have outdone themselves the day that word was born. They took the exquisiteness from the earth and rolled it together with a pinch of sunshine and love and gorgeousness and when it was finished, it was Gary.”
  “Wow,” Gary said. “That was… words.”

• I like your shoes,” I said. Because I did. They were pink and pointed, and I wanted a pair like that so bad. My mom and dad groaned. Morgan looked at me and cocked his head.
  “Thank you, little one. I made them out of the tears of a succubus and a lightning-struck tree stump I found under the Winter Moon. I like your face.”
  I grinned. “Thank you, big one. My parents made it when they got married. I was a honeymoon baby, whatever that means.”

• “The first time I met him, I accidentally turned his nose into a penis. I was young and thought about dick a lot.”
  Ryan almost fell down. For no apparent reason. He wasn’t even walking.
  I arched an eyebrow at him. “You okay?”
  “I just…,” Ryan started. “I don’t….Sam.”
  “That pretty much sums up how we all feel about Sam,” Gary said. “Fond with strong overtures of horror.”

• “You’re a talking unicorn,” I said. “Sometimes when you poop, it comes out as rainbows and smells like cookies. There is nothing subtle about you.”

• “Horse?” Gary snarled. The pretty unicorn act dropped immediately. Red sparks shot from his nose. “Did you just call me a horse? Listen here, you two-legged bag of shit. I’m not a motherfucking horse. I am a unicorn, and I am magic and a beautiful creature made of fucking sunshine and rainbows and good feelings.”

• “Because you love me,” I said, sounding smug.
  “More like you grew on me,” he said. “Like fungus.”

• “...I’m sorry I made an oath. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that I can’t break it. But you have to believe me that it’s always been you. I promise. I promise." His voice cracked and my hands shook. "I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is nothing I wish for more than you.”

• “Or not,” I said as I ground my teeth. “I like to masticate by myself.” “And you’re so good at it,” Gary said. “The up and down motions of your… jaw. And then, upon completion, you swallow. Right, Sam? You swallow, don’t you?” “Of course I do,” I said, confused. What the hell were we talking about now? “I always swallow when I finish. What am I supposed to do? Spit it back out?”

• Look. This has been… fun.” Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. “But I have to go. I’ve got stuff to do before I head out again.” Masturbate. “Wizard stuff. Like… secret wizard stuff.” Masturbate.

• “I’m a dragon, and maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll be dragon my balls across your face later.”

• “Hi, Sam!"
  "Hi, Tiggy."
  "You okay?"
  "Yes, Tiggy."
  "Tiggy smash something for Sam?"
  "No, Tiggy."
  "Tiggy smash something for Sam."
  He smashed one of the wooden sparring dummies.
  "Thank you, Tiggy."
  "Tiggy smash!" he bellowed and then proceeded to smash three more.”

• “If Sam were a tree, you know what kind of tree he’d be?”
  “What kind?”
  “A pine. Because of all the pining.”

• “Hi, my name is Ryan Foxheart. Oh no! There’s danger afoot! Let me pull out my sword and pose.” I mimed pulling a sword from my side and cocked an eyebrow. “Notice how dashing I am. And immaculate. And today, my hair is parted on the right. Wink.”

• “I squawked attractively. Okay. That was a lie. There is no way to squawk attractively. It was rather unattractive. Arms flailing, legs kicking. It was just awful.”

• I winked at myself in the mirror and then realized that’s what douchebags did, so I vowed to never do it again.

• “Are they speaking in code?” Mom asked Dad, trying to be quiet but failing miserably. “I don’t know,” Dad said. “I don’t speak wizard.” “Neither do I. I feel like we’ve failed as parents.” “Nah,” Dad said easily. “Look at him. He’s adorable and knows how to put on his own pants. We did good.”

• “I’m about to hug the crap out of you,” I warned him. “Like, full-on feelings hug where it goes on for a bit too long and becomes slightly awkward and we both clear our throats and shuffle our feet when it’s over.”

• “Anyway,” I said loudly. “Are we good? Did the Priest give us enough hoodoo so we can get the fu—fudge out? Sorry, Father.”
  “It’s okay,” the priest assured me. “I’m pretty sure your soul is already doomed.”

God, I have to stop. Just read the damn book.

TJ KLUNE is a Lambda Literary Award-winning author (Into This River I Drown) and an ex-claims examiner for an insurance company. His novels include The House in the Cerulean Sea and The Extraordinaries. Being queer himself, TJ believes it's important—now more than ever—to have accurate, positive, queer representation in stories.

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